Amy's journal I am guilty
by Thunderclap
Summary: This journal entry wraps up the side storyline I started in the struggle is real but ramped up in the universe is a d and gettting peed on marks you. This entry takes place after s03e09 but the bulk takes place between 8 and 9. Description of Tom is in struggle is real, Gwen is in getting peed on. Its alot of angst and a little adventure.
Dear Diary,

I can't believe it. Why does this keep happening to me. Everything I find someone, they lie, cheat, or worse! I have been so hard on K for this Sabs vendetta. And it's all my fault. After Sabs kissed me, I felt something. Sabs wanted me or so I thought. K doesn't in that way so she says. Even though I know she still won't admit it. I can handle that (the button was sad. She wore a straight button!) but I am tired of waiting for my soul mate wake up sometimes so I settled. I took Sabs neediness, her jealousy of K (and if Tom is right, hatred of her heritage) and twisted it in love for me.

Aw crap, I forgot this paper isn't water resistant like the old one. (various scratch outs due to tear stains)

Seriously, Universe, God, Poseidon, Jesus why is the only person who loves me unavailable? Why can't she wake up? And you know what's worse. I'm apparently trapped in a romance novel reality. Yes, diary as much as I hate you apparently someone really hates me. Not only do I have wait for K to wake up and see me, I apparently lived another life too.

I know that doesn't make sense. It's not reincarnation. It's not secret twin thing where Mom has two me and one was stolen. Its weirder than that and I need to talk about something else or I'll scream and K will run in. She'll see me with this out and crying and I won't say anything. She'll feel guilty so we will lay together, with her hugging me. It will be everything I want but it won't because in the end she will find a guy and one day this will happen only she won't be there. I can't let her go through what she went through with Liam again.

Yes, K sabotages my relationships but it's because really I just get tired of her not coming over and I settle and I know I do. I love her overprotectiveness. Just why did it have to be Sabs. Why?

That brings me back to the weirdness about my double. Tom always looks at me like a lost puppy when he first sees me. The bit with Gwen Breton calling me to dedicate a part of her Sydney concert was strange. Media calling me to figure how important I am and will I be in the 'Repairing the breach' tour even weirder. Finally, Tom explained it. Right after the diversity assembly and I guess Karma seeing me kiss Sabs, Tom approached.

We talked alone in the back of a limo. I remember him mentioning he had a solution to the problem. I didn't think at the time 'the problem' was Sabs but I am blind to that. Too blind. I am beginning to think that I picked up my mom's ability to find people to date. K's unavailable, Felix unavailable, Sabs untrustworthy, lying snake, Reagan heartbreaker. And I wandering away from the explanation.

Tom showed me pics and asked an odd question, did I mind flying to Lafayette with him for a meet and greet. Gwen wanted to meet me. I'm baffled. I can't say no because Tom such a friend to Karma and her family but I've never been into Gwen's music. It's so bubblegum pop on one song and so emo on the other. She can't pick a type and settle. First she's P!nk and then Taylor Swift. Then there's Justin Beiber. Well I heard the news that swears he's a 50 yr. old pedo but then the teen popped up again this year, so either someone is faking it or I'm crazy.

I said to Tom than I want Karma to come. It's the weekend and why not she loves Gwen. Has all four albums, all the videos downloaded off Vevo, sings 'Miserable and Magical' when she thinks no one is listening, and her guitar is exactly like Gwen's in that video.

He looks at me with this contemplated look, sighs and says yes. So I call. We drive over and she runs out wearing a well-worn 'Fearless' concert tee, jeans and black leather booths. As she slides in she tosses me a pair of soft white ones she knows I love and fit.

Reason: I'm wearing my crush boots and they hurt my arch. This is another reason why I love K so much. These things. Sabs knew me and stabbed me in the heart because she wanted something. I don't want to think it was what I saw. I don't want to believe she's evil. Yet she's always hated K for our bond and I didn't believe in her enough.

This hurts so much. How can I trust myself with anyone other than K? Why didn't I trust her? I don't know. At least this came out of it. Anyway, Tom hands me pics of myself with him in places I've never been; NYC, Melbourne, sandy beaches and so on. I look up with this 'what's with the photoshopped pics'

Not Photoshopped, apparently I am the exact match for a woman who was his friend and Gwen's older sister. This woman would have been 28 so we can't be twins. We spend the ride to the airport where Gwen is watching Lorelei Breton talk about Coupe de Monde Cheerleading and her thoughts on world events. She was a debate captain in High school before the Taft High massacre which she was caught in. I was 9 then.

Mom hugged me all day and Karma too. That was a horrifying week. First the school then Virginia Tech. We were in fourth grade and didn't think about those things yet. Dad did send me a handmade jacket that year.

Gwen stared at me with this look like my mom gets when she hasn't seen me all day and misses me a lot. Then she looks at Karma and runs over, hugging her. She went to lift her hair when Tom said some words that made no sense. Dad knows five languages. K and I three and I have never heard the language Tom spoke.

She let go of K's hair and grinned brightly. She said something much longer back, to which Tom nodded. He looked at me and pointed to the private plane. I must have shown surprise because Gwen looked over. 'It's a gift. I want you to see it.' I guess my bewilderment concerned her because she looked at Tom who shrugged. 'I asked'

K wanted it so much, so I agreed. I've seen too many stories about teens who vanish forever and all that horror tends to end up badly for the heroine. I don't know what I'd do if I lost K. I really don't. A part of me needs her to just be here so I can tell stuff too. Share things, stupid things, sad things, heartbreaking things. Even if we can't love down there.

It took only an hour to get to Lafayette and twenty minutes to get to this old house that is on the national register of Historic places. Natal House, it's called. Looks like mine only older and made of real marble. We go around the back side and into a white door that leads to another door that isn't a door. Not until Gwen puts her hand on it.

Then we are in a chamber that opens up to this massive room so tall you can't see the ceiling. A stargate stares back at me complete with odd pillar Daniel Jackson or Jack would always slap to activate. K wants to stay by the door but I want to go to the DHD (dial home device) so I follow Tom. Gwen says something and he turns around again with the peculiar contemplative expression. Instead of pushing me away, he steps aside and points to a tile with a slash dot. I strike it and it lights. I grin, excited. K smiles at me worried. Tom and Gwen are staring at me freaked out. Gwen keeps shaking her head, covering her mouth.

Tom shows me the rest of the sequence and I type but as I go to hit the large red button in the center, he shakes his head. He wants K to hit it. When K does, it goes but does nothing. She seems sad but Tom and Gwen nodded like they knew this.

He looks K in the eyes and says 'Relax.' He takes her hand and this gold glow flows up, surrounding her briefly. It seems so strange yet she smiled at me the whole time. Exhaling, I'm freaked and he looks at me and laughs. 'You too really do have each other's backs no matter what. That's wonderful.' Then he tells her to hit the button. This time the gate revs up just like it does in the show only the rings are thicker. A big woosh and the event horizon is there. Gwen calls us up and then steps through herself.

K looks at me, scared. I look to Tom who tells her she needs to go. That as a member of the assembly she needs to see this. So we hug and I swear that nothing will happen. Nothing ever bad happened on the show expect when Teal'c got caught in the gate buffer but they brought him back out. So we run together and jump through. When we appear it's like a freezer. Tom hands us both big fluffy parkas to wear and stocking caps. Gwen is beckoning so K and I walk together from the gate room to the other all white room that looks like it's carved out of an ice cavern. There before us is this Terracotta Army just like dad showed in his pics from that trip to Xi'an. Only its people who look like us not Asians. K and I both look at Gwen and Tom. Both are sad yet seem to have this hopeful look to them.

That's when I realized this is a crypt. K and I stop in the middle of this vast empty space with a large pillar written in Latin when he says. 'I need you to see this.'

'I don't want to see someone's grave' I say back.

'You won't. These people are waiting to come back to life.'

That's when the horror story love gets the best of me and I walk over to him. He stops beside Gwen who is standing beside an intricately carved statue dressed in this puffy zipper jacket. She is waving good bye, while three rings are on her right hand. Two are real, one isn't. It's the carved version of the two. She's in a short skirt that you can tell the fabric lines and tennis shoes with infinity symbols on them. I'm so caught up in the skirt and shoes that I miss her face until K screams.

I wheel to her pointing terror and realize it's my face. My face, my hair twisted into a braid. I can't tell anymore because the grey marble. Tom looks at me waiting. I shrug. Its creepy but then again I just saw pics of myself as a cheerleader. Not surprising they have a statue of her.

'You don't get it. You and her match perfectly.'

'This is why you both give me that look?' I respond, not sure how to take this.

'Yes. You are a member of House Cetus. And yet you can't be. I wanted you to know.'

'And Karma?'

Gwen said, 'She and her family are descendants of House Oannes. The first we found.'

'So where are we?' I ask figuring that if I can activate the gate I can go anywhere now.

'Antarctica near Lake Vostok' Tom smiles wickedly. 'Time to go.'

So we did. Tonight I got stabbed in the back by Sabs who I thought loved me. Yesterday, I discovered I'm somehow sister to one of the biggest pop stars this side of Taylor swift. They don't know why because they have video proof of Lorelei's birth and Mom has video proof of my birth and we were both singles. Why with all this do I feel guilty? Because I still didn't trust K. No matter what, no adventure what, she's by my side. It hurts so much so I have been singing this Lauren Daigle song even though its Christian.

I love Karma no matter what. I have heard her say that she loves me no matter what. I Guess I want all the naughty stuff and she doesn't and I don't know if that will be enough. The strange thing is I heard Tom whisper to Gwen in English if my scales would be the same color as Lorelei's. She shrugged. I really don't want to think about it. So for now I'm not. With Sabs gone, Tom returned to practicing for the Olympics. However, suddenly I have access I never did before. Don't know if I'll use it. I hated Liam's people. I don't want to become them. I don't want K to either. So until the next tear stained pages, This is Amy Raudenfeld signing off.


End file.
